It's My Birthday and I'll Cry if I Want to!

So I just got off the phone with my BabyGirl who for Christmas got a surprise trip to see her cousins in WI. Can we say BUURRRR!!!! It was 8degrees last night. The photo is my BG and Pnut. Lots of snow so I hope to see a picture of a snowman soon :) Of course I am a big cry baby. As I was finishing up talking with my niece I started just a ballin. Yep, thats me - Big Baller Todd. BBT for short ;) I was not crying cause I was sad or anything but just cause I have so much love in my heart for them. To see pictures of BG smiling- tears of joy just flow down my cheeks.

(BG does not like this one bit and makes her uncomfortable at times but that is me - a big sap :D. )

Oh, did I mention it is my birthday today :D Yep another year older. LOL, I have been saying that I was (undisclosed) age since Jan , so when I came to realize that I am not adding to that figure-that- it is staying the same, I thought " cool, I didnt get older. I just got wiser." Yep Im re-todded.

The coolest thing! My BG called me all on her own and did not have someone tell her to. Ok, tear. It's my Birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

Love to all that are freezing thier butts off in WI. That is my BG, Nana, NT, Pnut and NC.

my Baby Girl - BG

my oldest sister - Nana

my niece-NT

my niece baby-Pnut

my nephew-NC

A Part of My Life

I don't know if anyone will ever read this but I just had to say this out loud. If for anything, maybe just for myself. Today in Sunday School our Leader shared his biggest mistake. It was an adulterous affair that lead to Divorce. Devastated his wife, family and friends. He and His wife also shared how God has worked in their life. Long story short, they talked about humbling oneself, confession, difficulty of forgiving and how not forgiving really just destroys you. They were remarried and have been for 21 years. (a total of 40 something I believe) That led to others speaking up. One mentioned a need for being loved and accepted even though they live a life that is embarrassing at times. (their son has multiple disorders) What moved me was that they were open about how they needed love and acceptance of others despite what they thought others would think of or saw as liabilities. I identify with that so much. It was just a wonderful feeling of our Sunday School group opening up and exposing our vulnerable selves and coming closer together in Jesus Christ.

God is really working in a HUGE way restoring the Church HIS way.

While listening and trying to restrain myself emotionally.. ya know...hold your breath, twist your face, tense up so you just don't break out into a boohooing fool. Tears flowed but I did manage to control the BOOHOOing:) Many thoughts crossed my mind. One, because of the destruction of my divorce I lost myself. Family that are close, see that I'm just not well ME. They miss me and so do I. The truth is I don't think I will ever be the person that I once was. My heart was shattered into a bazillion pieces and will never be the same. I think "I" have been trying to put those pieces together. I realize I just have to give it over to God and he can restore it. I want to, I pray to (but my prayer lacks something). I am riddled with fear. Fear that paralyzes me from living and enjoying the blessings of my life. Preacher man said I am supposed to be thankful for the fleas. Lord I pray that I will be committed and faithful to see and understand the way to be thankful for the fleas cause Lord, I just don't "get it" I am not truly thankful for the fleas but I know that I want to be.

Another was, me wearing one of my aprons to make pancakes for breakfast Sunday in SS was a glimpse of authentic me. Yes, I love aprons! and hats too but I don't know if I will be able to override the fear to strut them (i have actually gottn rid of some knowing I would never be brave enough to wear them)

I have a journey to embark on. One of forgiving, healing, finding my way(hmm, where to?) God restoring my heart, living authentically (deep down I am kinda quirky just too scared), accepting that life is messy and so is mine and sometimes, a lot of times I cant control what happens in my life and to learn how to give it to God and let him deal with it...whew, that is a lot...so let me just hop aboard from here before it passes me by.

Good Start for This Month

Wow! ...grin... I have a follower. I am so excited! ...clap, clap... :D Yep, it is my loving sister. I just love her so much. ...more grin...

Well I have only managed three posts this month. I will work on posting more frequently in the future. I have been going through some growing times so I will probably post those- sensitive topics- in the not so near future. I believe that I am experiencing some of God refining. I am learning and facing things that are not necessarily easy to. So, I,as most children do (a stubborn one, no less) with their parents am bucking the loving lessons God is blessing me with. :) One, its kinda hard to think the life lessons are blessings when you are right in the middle of learning the tough uncomfortable ones... yep, you feel me... nobody likes those kinds :D With that said, that is a sign of the Holy Spirit doing his thing. I, being Me, would normally say that in a not so positive way at aaallll and certainly would NOT call it ...chuckle... a blessing.

God is working in other areas too. This morning was kickoff for our contemporary worship service at our Church. It has been a long and at times discouraging process but here it is. Praise the Lord!! There were over 150 people in attendance with many volunteers helping all the areas that make it happen. The feeling of the presence of the Lord was a peaceful feeling. As I sit here recalling it, I just smile all the way through to my toes. The service went relatively smooth. A few things here and there, but then that would leave us no room for improvement ;)

Well you may be wondering what my role in all of this might be. I am part of the Contemporary Worship Service Team and I am the band groupie, ie roadie. LOL I lug the electric guitar player's equipment around (swoon, he's soo dreamy, eyes flutter), attend all practices and performances to cheer them on (woot, woot) and I work the soundboard etc in the sound booth (stress, worry and work hard to get good sound and no screaming feedback with a system that has been in place for a non contemporary venue). God is blessing this because there have not been issues that have not been manageable.

We enjoyed spending the afternoon at the Bible's. Bunches of kids playing and swimming, the adults enjoying fellowship and of course food. The living room evolved into quote "The Man's Cave" unquote and the alarms would sound until women intruders figured out they, um, were entering a testosterone zone, so they would drop off the babies and quickly retreat. ;D Hehe, let them think it's a man cave instead of the babysitting zone if it makes them feel MANLY. "Thank you Susan and Andrew for opening up your home for such an enjoyable afternoon."

LOL Ok. Well I didn't make this post before I went to bed, so I didn't make the three post for last month after all. The positive side - I have a good start for this month. :D

Nothing to do with Purple Honey

As you can see it has been a bit. This blogging is very new to me and it IS intimidating. Why? you ask. For a ton of insecurities about myself and abilities. So here I am, :D just me, being me. I don't even have a title for the post. ...sitting... starring...still starring at the Title bar... Maybe it will come maybe it wont.

My sweet man stumbled across a blog while looking for information on purple honey. (He researches everything... grin... and unlike me retains 99% of it) The blog only had one entry about the subject. So for it to be pulled in the top three of a search was kinda odd. He read the most recent post and just had to read more. So off to the archives to begin at the beginning. He encourages me several times to read it and after bits of time would ask "have you started yet?" "ok, well start at the beginning and read all the first month". Easier said than done on my end. Interruptions gallour and back to the beginning I go again. So now i am thinking to myself. "you know you cant read this until the kids go to bed" . "LOL, hehe you go to bed when the kids go to bed" I told myself. Yes everyone, I talk out loud to myself. Pretty much I'm the only one that listens. (grin) Or maybe the one I don't have to speak repeatedly to again and again.

Well God cleared a chunk of time and I got all the way through Dec 05. Not without crying mind you. There is a purpose my sweet man found this blog. It sounds like this woman knows my feelings, fears, etc. I can RELATE to it so very much. I rejoice and cry. Thank you Lord for this woman. Thank you for laying it upon her to be so open and candid about all that she does.

Here is a woman, who has gone before me, felt what I feel, struggle what I struggle. Not exactly, same but different, but so very close. Maybe one day I will write with out needing to feel so guarded about what other people think all the time. Confident that I AM REAL and I AM GOD's child and I AM SAVED... by grace mind you.

There is so much on my mind and it goes a hundred different directions. Maybe my blog will grow into something great. Maybe it will touch someone. Maybe it will be just for me. God has a plan for me. I know I constantly fight it. I wont open up to it. My heart has been greatly damaged (understatement), imprisioned. Forever changed. I want to. I want to be free. I need to be free. Not only for myself but for my children, my future husband, for those that remained close and for anyone in the future.

Back on track..... grin... My sweet man called and asked the most recent question of the day. :) I choked as I told him I was through most of Dec. tear. He responded that it pretty much had that affect on him as well. Isn't God glorious. "Thank you Lord for the Sweet Man you graciously blessed me with." And when I say graciously, I mean that I by no means what so ever come close in deserving. ...cross arms...humph..pout... Nope, in the slightest.

(Ahh, a title :) )

LOL, the blog's name that I am referring to is 'Paid in Full'

Our First Egg

My fiance has been saying our hens should be laying soon. So with anticipation rising each day, the kids and I take a peek to see if they have. Nope. Nope. Nope. Ugh, still no! We were beginning to think they would never lay. So M had a little chat with them Thurs. "Listen here ladies, you have three days to lay an egg or I will have one of you for dinner." I chuckled when he told me that. :)

As usual, after getting home from work, I checked the hens to see if they have enough food and water and peek inside the nest in hopes to see a little prize. OMGosh! AN EGG!! I couldn't believe it. I did a ultra mini happy dance (just in case someone was looking) then I thought, "no way this is a joke, its too big for a first egg" I go inside and accuse my niece of pranking me and she played clueless. I called my fiance, and HE played clueless. So COOL it was for real. I could not wait till my son got home so he could get it. Nice thing was, he was as excited as I was.

So Friday May 1, 2009 was the day we got our first egg. I am guessing they didn't want to be dinner :)

"Ah!" my sleuth of a son exclaimed, "a mystery. WHO, laid they egg?"