I don't know if anyone will ever read this but I just had to say this out loud. If for anything, maybe just for myself. Today in Sunday School our Leader shared his biggest mistake. It was an adulterous affair that lead to Divorce. Devastated his wife, family and friends. He and His wife also shared how God has worked in their life. Long story short, they talked about humbling oneself, confession, difficulty of forgiving and how not forgiving really just destroys you. They were remarried and have been for 21 years. (a total of 40 something I believe) That led to others speaking up. One mentioned a need for being loved and accepted even though they live a life that is embarrassing at times. (their son has multiple disorders) What moved me was that they were open about how they needed love and acceptance of others despite what they thought others would think of or saw as liabilities. I identify with that so much. It was just a wonderful feeling of our Sunday School group opening up and exposing our vulnerable selves and coming closer together in Jesus Christ.
God is really working in a HUGE way restoring the Church HIS way.
While listening and trying to restrain myself emotionally.. ya know...hold your breath, twist your face, tense up so you just don't break out into a boohooing fool. Tears flowed but I did manage to control the BOOHOOing:) Many thoughts crossed my mind. One, because of the destruction of my divorce I lost myself. Family that are close, see that I'm just not well ME. They miss me and so do I. The truth is I don't think I will ever be the person that I once was. My heart was shattered into a bazillion pieces and will never be the same. I think "I" have been trying to put those pieces together. I realize I just have to give it over to God and he can restore it. I want to, I pray to (but my prayer lacks something). I am riddled with fear. Fear that paralyzes me from living and enjoying the blessings of my life. Preacher man said I am supposed to be thankful for the fleas. Lord I pray that I will be committed and faithful to see and understand the way to be thankful for the fleas cause Lord, I just don't "get it" I am not truly thankful for the fleas but I know that I want to be.
Another was, me wearing one of my aprons to make pancakes for breakfast Sunday in SS was a glimpse of authentic me. Yes, I love aprons! and hats too but I don't know if I will be able to override the fear to strut them (i have actually gottn rid of some knowing I would never be brave enough to wear them)
I have a journey to embark on. One of forgiving, healing, finding my way(hmm, where to?) God restoring my heart, living authentically (deep down I am kinda quirky just too scared), accepting that life is messy and so is mine and sometimes, a lot of times I cant control what happens in my life and to learn how to give it to God and let him deal with it...whew, that is a lot...so let me just hop aboard from here before it passes me by.
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